The struggle with insomnia

I haven’t been able to be creative lately because I am overwhelmed at the moment. I am finalizing my wedding, yeah right? I think it’s all done but now there are issues at work I can’t control, but as the supervisor must work to correct. 

Sigh. It is a struggle.  I feel helpless. No matter what I do each night I struggle to go to sleep. And worse, if I do sleep it’s for an hour or two then up all night. 

I should be over the moon happy and joyous.  I wish I could be. I wish all this anxiety and pressure could be removed. I am mentally and physically breaking down where I should be excited. I feel alone in this struggle, though I know I am not.

My fiancé can easily ignore stressors in life, lucky him. He can turn it off or tune it out. I believe he doesn’t understand my struggle. At times I believe he just wants to tell me to snap out of it and don’t worry so much.  But I am not that person and never have been.  I wish I could be. I gave tried. I even read a book on not giving a f*#k. Seriously it’s a great book, look it up. I knew as our wedding date grew near I would worry. Sigh…

So I struggle no way to release the stress, anxiety, worry.  Trapped. I am in pain. I need sleep. 

I write this in hopes that all the chaos swirling around me stays here. Stuck between these letters, in the cloud, out of my head and onto this digital page. I need it to stay, my health depends on it. Seriously, I feel so tired and sick and that just adds to it. I want to make it through this struggle intact. Right now I don’t know if I can. 

So to the pain, worries, anxiety, stress. This is your home, your spot. Inside this random rant I leave you. 

Insomnia, Tick, Tock

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tock, Tock, Tock, Tock…

Insomnia my old friend, the friend I never miss.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick…

Insomnia you slut, run amuck somewhere else.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock…

Insomnia go away, go away, go away!

Why do you come? Why do you stay? What can I do? What can I change?

Tick, Tick, Tick…

Sigh, I need the sleep, I want the sleep.  The night is so cold, so dark, so lonely.

Lonely-Tock, Tock, Tock-the brokenness of dreams scattered like pieces of a mirror.

Sleep, come to me, envelop me, take me, keep me.

Insomnia you bitch-SLEEP.

The screaming in my head continues, it bubbles up from deep within.  I am so drained, so tired, yet the darkness can be seen, go away!

Insomnia, let go, you are no longer wanted, needed, sought after.  You are a cruel mistress in my bed.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock…

It has to someday stop.

Black and White

I close my eyes and yearn for sleep, deep and thick and rich sleep.

I want a night of depth, filled with swirls of colors.

But, I stare into the darkness and see two colors.

Black and white.

There should be contrast, it makes the difference, a change.

I hear the talk of shades, of gray-light, dark, an immersed abundance of colorlessness.

I should dream of flowers blooming, bright and beautiful, of rain kissed leaves in fall flush with color.

But, it is a barren sea of Black and white.

I want to touch the colors of red, purple, orange, awake with the warmth they give off inside a dream world.

I want to taste yellow in the sunshined corners of my mind.

I want to smell the greens and blues of deep salty ocean waves or dew filled meadows.

But, Black and white is what I get.

The black and white of insomnia, the sleep of zombies, the sleep of the undead, the lack of sleep that stunts my mind, my body, and my soul.

I want sleep, I need it, but instead I get black and white.

Craft Fair Photographer

I love going to craft fairs.  Just to see the craftsmanship from different vendors is amazing.  I especially love to wonder go to them during the Holiday Season.  There is just something fun about this time of year.  Painted bulbs, coffee mugs with cocoas, and Christmas Tree ornaments everywhere you look!  All perfect gifts for that someone on you list-right?

Of course they are!  I could wonder the tables for hours looking at the each persons time, energy and dedication to their craft.  Sometimes I get the best ideas for my artwork from looking at paintings, sketches and other works of art.  I view art differently, I am weird enough to know that not everyone believes this, I think crafts are works of art.  Something that someone had to take the time to make is art to me.  Especially places like craft fairs, because these people hand make everything!

As I wondered the tables of the last little event I went to I came across a photographer with a table FILLED with different size prints of literally hundreds of different photographs.  The gentleman behind the table seemed uncomfortable, as there were no other photographers at this event.  I-who loves photography-wondered up to him.

He was a landscape artist, not really Merry Christmas  kind of feel.  He was there giving a craft show a try, and because his wife wanted to wonder around all day and spend his money. LOL

BUT-

Look at this beautiful picture I found in his collection.

Jbs Photographic Arts- Jerry Brennan

Collector of Chaos: Day 43

Well Nick asked me to draw Jim Raynor the male lead in the Starcraft video games since I drew Kerrigan/The Queen of Blades.

This one’s for you Nick.

Appreciate Craftsmanship

I recently got engaged!

Anyways, I have mentioned before that my fiancé is a video game lover.  I ordered a Starcraft ring from Shapeways.  It was made with a 3D printer. Totally awesome.   Well it came finally, though we aren’t getting married till next year.  But it is beautiful.  The craftsmanship is wonderful,  I am really impressed that this came from 3D printing.

Here is the link to the company.
http://www.shapeways.com/product/JDY5Q8KMF/starcraft-terran-zerg-protoss-ring-rev1?li=shareProduct&optionId=57988917

Collector of Chaos: Day 42

My fiancé Nick is very much into video games, StarCraft to be exact. We have been reading the book series based on the video games together.  So of course my mind went to having to draw the characters from the books (really the video game).

Queen of Blades

Collector of Chaos: Day 41

Private Cole Erickson.
My adopted brother just graduated from basic training last week.  Very proud of him.
(He is one of my best friend’s grandsons.  So he has become a little brother I never had.)

Poetry

I just had the urge to write the other night.  A friend had texted me the line love is a cruel mistress, shoot me. 

Titled: Love is Cruel Mistress

Love is a cruel mistress.

Her touch can be gentle, soft, loving.

Her eyes blank.

Heart cold as steel.

Love is a cruel mistress.

The smell of rich cologne engulfs me.

My senses lost.

Heart cold as steel.

Love is a cruel mistress.

Words whispered in hush tones surround me.

It’s the end.

Heart cold as steel.

Love is a cruel mistress.

The path of life is ever winding.

Here or there.

Heart cold as steel.

Love is a cruel mistress.

I can no longer master true love.

Let me go.

Heart cold as steel.

Collector of Chaos: Day 40

 Cecila Grace